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 Dad, don't read this. I like sex. I like it a lot, it's good times. Well, usually. Sometimes, not so much. But let's not go there. The thing is, I'm never really quite sure when to have it. I'm talking first time with someone new have it. It can be a big deal. I tend to feel like I have sex too soon, so in an effort to appease my own social anxiety I asked a few friends how long it takes them to sleep with a new partner and shockingly--they all said they felt like they slept with men too quickly. But is it really too quickly if it's what you want to do? I think there's this societal notion that you should wait till you love the person. In all honestly, I'm going to say that I don't want to fall in love with someone until I've slept with them. Is that so wrong? What if I've got bad sex but lovey-dovey feelings: that's a lot of conflicting emotion. Plus, a lot of the letting go emotionally for me happens post-coitus...well, not directly after, but in the sense that once I can share my body with someone I feel more comfortable sharing my feelings. My mom once told me that you should wait 'til you can't wait any longer. Pretty sound advice actually. The thing is, I don't know when that is. I can't always tell if I can't wait anymore or if I'm just moderate-to-relatively high on the horny scale. And, what if you pass pass the "I'm going to rip your clothes off in the middle of the street" sexy place and eventually the sexual tension isn't so hot anymore, just frustrating? Oh, the pressure. I'm of the general belief that once I've gone pants-free with someone they already find me attractive, but that doesn't mean there aren't fleeting "does this sexual position make me look fat" moments. And what if I'm bad?! Stop me if I'm wrong here, but many a first time with that new special someone are a little clumsy, a little awkward, a little too caught up in your head to really enjoy what's going on. Obviously it gets better once you know your partner's body well, but will you ever get a turn on this ride again if you're hereby known as wonky rhythm girl? All the stress over when makes it almost worth it to stay at home with my Rabbit and call it a day...almost. So how do you know? Three-date rule? True love? Marriage? Can you wait too long? Is there a magic science to when the skirt rides up? I promise I'll stay up and spoon you after you leave a comment. 7 CommentsLeave a comment |
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Well I don't know if my opinion counts, since I've only had sex with one guy. But we waited 2 weeks after talking online for about 4 days and then meeting in person. We then spent every day of the two weeks together and then we ended up having sex, kind of spur of the moment, the morning that he slept over. And we've been dating for two months, he already told me he loved me.
I totally understand what you mean though, about having sex before anyone says I love you. I used to think you had to love someone before having sex. But now I think, you should just let whatever develops develop at the rate that it needs to.
No magic rule. Whatever feels right, at the time, with the people at hand. Current bf and I dated for over three months before we did the "full on" deed, but at that point we'd done quite a bit of, *ahem* other things that involved nakedness or near nakedness. So it was a good gradual progression. But ya know, if it feels right on the third date, go for it then. I would say my only rule is not on the first, or probably the second--too much of a chance that you'll end up in one-night-standish territory if you really end up liking them.
Hee -- Bun, I actually signed in to say that I slept with my husband on the first date! I never actually found sex to particularly affect the course of a relationship or whether it continued, but I am lucky in many ways, and maybe that's one of them.
In my experience, it always depended on the person. I've waited a little longer for those that I've considered 'relationship material' and not long at all (hours? Don't judge!) for those that I knew right away weren't (but were somehow irresistible nonetheless). That said, I once had a long term relationship develop out of what I considered a one-night-stand. So you never know. I can't say that I regret any of it!
Rule of thumb:
You can't go wrong when you trust your gut!
My first boyfriend raped me when I said I wasn't ready. That was HELL. And it changed my perception in sex.
My current boyfriend made love to me 6 months after we started going out. It just happened!! Then, he avoided me after 3 months-long of hyper sexual activities because he can't stand the non-stop erotic intimacy and the responsibility held against him. Upon confrontation, we agreed to keep the relationship sane and reduce our lustful feelings. Things were much better and loving ever since!
In other ways, sex is not everything to me cause the mutual affection has become the pulsating notion that kept us going. Love bonded us together and not, lust.
Often a guy will take advantage of "implied commitment" and the assumption the girl has that this attention he's giving at the time means more than it really does. In other words he knows that he wouldn't be interested for more than a physical relationship with this person and maybe not even that for very long even though he finds it easy enough to be friendly and as charming as possible. It can even happen with "good" guys, as I was a decent guy when dating as a single guy but sometimes fell into the temptation of taking advantage of the fact that although I never promised anything and never stated that I wanted this to become serious, I knew that she was wanting something more. Waiting at least "longer than usual" or longer than what your "gut" tells you helps to reveal what both partners are actually wanting and expecting. (Has anyone's gut ever been wrong? Yes. How are people defining "gut" anyway?) If choosing to not wait, then make sure it's because you know what you're doing rather than assuming things.
Finally, a decent guy can even have open positive intentions starting out but having sex right away/prematurely can take his focus too much on the physical, reveal a physical imperfection that bothers him but wouldn't if he'd grown to respect you more first as a person, and lastly it can mess with his programmed head even if he doesn't want to judge. The double standard might not be fair but it's common, that's why it's always talked about--it's very common. I've found it hard not to judge a girl a little bit for being with me before we had "waited" a while, whatever that means in each situation. Best to all. Humbly, Aaron
You Gotta go With Your Gut Feeling...c'mon... a million years of evolution cant be wrong...if you feeelte animal attraction go for it. You may be surprised where it leads.