All right, nothing is better than sex, but in my current romantic state, yogurt is certainly more accessible. In the absence of a special man friend, I will express my love of yogurt and why it's the best thing since, well, sex.

1. Yogurt helps prevent and treat yeast infections. Sex can cause yeast infections, ooh. Yogurt-1, Sex-0.

2. The white stuff boosts immune function. If you're prone to colds, flus and all sorts of phlegm-producing ailments, the frequent appearance of all that probiotic goodness in your diet can be a boon to your body.

3. It makes colons happy and protects against colorectal cancer. All that jazz about yogurt helping you to, uh, well, regulate yourself is true, but you don't need to buy specially branded yogurts for that. All yogurts that have "Live Active Cultures" are good for your colon.

4. Fresh-kissable breath. About 6 oz. of yogurt a day lowers the body's levels of hydrogen sulfide, a chemical that can lead to some pretty unkissable mouths (usually kissing precedes sex, if my memory suits, so yeah fresh breath is hot). Yogurt also gives the boot to bacteria that live on your tongue and reduces plaque levels, cavities, and your risk for gingivitis.

5. Maintain your big-boned status. That's not a fat euphemism: the calcium and vitamin D levels in yogurt ward off osteoporosis. The stronger your bones, the longer you'll be able to re-enact the Kama Sutra.

6. Intolerant no more. Even many with milk intolerance can handle yogurt--it's the magical dairy product.

7. Calms ulcers. Seriously, is there anything this stuff can't do? If your crazy life is giving you serious stomach issues, yogurt can coat your stomach and calm ullcer irritation.

8. Lightening up recipes. It can be a substitute for other things like cream, sour cream, or mayonnaise.

9. High in protein. Greek yogurts are especially high in protein. We all know the deal with protein, right? Keeps you fuller longer, builds muscle, hair, nails, all the good stuff. You need protein and yogurt's got what you need.

10. Convenience is half the battle. To the best of my knowledge, sex is still unavailable for purchase at most grocery stores. Yogurt, on the other hand, is.

If yogurt were a person, it would so be the kind of person that is always there when you need them, has their sh*t together, and does their part in making the relationship mutually beneficial. Basically, if yogurt were a person it would be the perfect boyfriend/best friend/parent. I'm actually starting to feel a little weird about myself right now; I'm going to spend the rest of today interacting with real people, people that didn't materialize from a puddle of fermented milk and my imagination.