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Eva Longoria Parker, who is a wee hummingbird of a woman, is currently fighting back against speculations that's she's oven + bun by wearing a T-shirt that begged "I want more privacy" and by stating that she gained weight to more accurately reflect her character on Desperate Housewives.

You know, I don't blame her for telling everyone to shove it and get their noses out of her uterus, but what is more disturbing is the wildly speculative blurb in People:

Longoria Parker was pictured on a European vacation--notably on a yacht off the coast of Italy--looking minutely larger than normal, prompting the usual rounds of pregnancy rumors. Anderson chalked this slight gain to Gabrielle's woes. "And even that was not enough. She's also wearing butt pads and a stomach pad to play the part." And did Longoria Parker enjoy the method-eating? "This is a lot of fun," says Anderson, "but as an actress."

People, I have so many questions now! 

Besides the usual, "Why is Eva's 5 ounces of extra weight anyone's business blahety blah blah?" can someone please explain to me what "method eating" is? Does she make Gabrielle's favorite foods? Does she hover over the plates of random children at restaurants, ready to inhale their leftover tater tots? One of my friends says that she totally added an extra 300-400 calories a day, just by feeling too guilty to throw away her toddler's uneaten nibbles, which amounted to a gained pound every 20 days or so, so I guess this is a common issue with busy moms of picky eaters. Also, why can't Eva enjoy "method eating" just for the sake of eating extra chocolate and Krispy Kreme and delicious delicious bacon? Why the qualifier that it is only enjoyable "as an actress"? Oooooh no, please don't think that just because Eva has gained weight, she's enjoying eating, because we don't want you to think that she's a gluttonous pig or anything! It's all for the sake of her art!

And of course, the biggest puzzler is why Hollywood continues to hire actors who are so small for a role that they have to wear padding? I mean, if the part is a size 6 woman, is it so shocking to have her played by a size 6 woman? The mind boggles.