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 Not to quote Jewel or anything, but "If I could tell the world just one thing, it would be that we're all okay." I was out with a friend earlier this week when she said, "I feel like I'm too fat to be loved." I shook her fervently (in the emotional sense, not the physical sense) and reminded her that no one is too anything to be loved. No one is too fat, bald, short, acne-prone, skinny, or whatever to be loved. Look, I think it's time we all got together and had a great big group hug, held hands and sang the Barney song, because my friend is not the first person to feel that way, and those sorts of feelings are just totally not cool. Further proof that my friend is not the first to associate her worthiness of romantic love to her body is that one of the most popular posts on Shine this week was a woman asking if men expect women to have perfect bodies? Look, I would first like an official definition of "perfect body" so I know what I'm up against here. Until one exists though, I'm going to assume she means the Hollywood standard. My feelings on men and bodies are as follows: 1) If you're dating someone, he knows what you look like, and he obviously likes what he sees.I understand though, that I am me, and live in my own Pollyanna bubble where I reign supreme in the land of self love, unicorns and ponies. So to get another perspective, I actually posed this question to some guy friends to get a more grounded perspective. I sent them the Shine link and you know what they said: It's a matter of taste. Everyone has a different idea of perfect; some men are not so superficial that the only thing they care about is pant size; personality does matter; and confidence is sexy. What's so crazy, is that's sort of how women feel about men. Another resounding theme that came up among my guy friends is that the pressure to be perfect for women is coming from other women. Stretch marks, cellulite, and having enough fat on their bodies to have a normal menstrual cycle are not things men keep a mental checklist of. They have their body insecurities too. We don't always see their "flaws" and they don't always see ours. Best quote of this social experiment comes from my friend Evan: Can we all please agree that we are some sexy people, that we will make every effort to appreciate the body that we've been given-because this is it, this is what we've got. And while we're at it, can we give people (regardless of whether or not they have a penis) the benefit of the doubt in being decent human beings and not superficial a-holes? Great. Now, how 'bout that group hug.Most men I know, in closed quarter "guy talk" say they would rather have a woman who has a full body...the model image seems to be more for men who are trying to make a statement about themselves. 12 CommentsLeave a comment |
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I was blogging this week about the perfect body, and how, in my professional life, I've only ever seen one. Amongst thousands. It always makes me feel better, at any rate.
http://niceladydoctor.wordpress.com/2008/07/17/the-body-beautiful/
I really enjoy your blog; it's good for the soul.
I think this is a common worry, but seriously people, think hard for a minute. Do men love a "perfect" body? Of course. What woman doesn't "want" her own personal version of Brad Pitt? It doesn't matter...it isn't reality.
A few queries to male friends and the bf yielded the same results as Kim's--everyone's idea of "perfect" is different, and personality and confidence will always far outshine looks alone.
And once you're naked? Forget about it. Use my own pathetic moment of weakness as your example. My current bf has a history of dating models, one of whom was an occasional Victoria's Secret girl. In a fit of sad, ridiculous insecurity, I blurted "but I don't look like any of those women!" His answer? "But...you do.." (all the while looking slightly puzzled as to what I felt so crappy about). Fyi, I've got cellulite, my thighs are bigger than I'd like, my abs are less than flat. I have a cookie weakness, and sometimes it shows. And obviously, I'm prone to terrible fits of body-consiousness. But they guy loves me, and when someone loves you, you become "perfect" for them.
Ok, off the sappy spill my guts soapbox now. The lesson for all of us, and why I love this blog, is to get on with life. Be healthy, be happy, and all will fall into place.
I recently bolted out of a strip club, because I was feeling older and lumpier and not hotter by the minute. I like strip clubs, and usually enjoy strippers, but this time I got going down a bad road and into a self esteem meltdown.
When I finally explained to my puzzled and baffled boy why we'd had to leave right now! right now! right now! he looked genuinely confused and said, "but you're hotter than any of those women". And he meant it. And I felt like an idiot. Totally blew an evening of beer and boobs because I not only judged myself on some crazy beauty standard, but then decided that he also judged me on the same standard. Crazy girl.
Bun- I love that your boyfriend said that- guys really DON'T notice the things that we do:)
Thanks so much for this logical post! We all just need to remember to love ourselves a little more.
This one is so tough for me. Because I am really fat right now (and I don't use fat as derogatory, just as descriptive! :), and it does, for me, make things a bit more difficult in terms of dating.
When I talk to male friends, they all insist that I am attractive, but when pressed to whether they would ever date anyone as big as me (I'm about a size 20), most say that they prefer a slimmer girl, "but that's just me".
I don't think *everyone* should want to be attracted to a fat body, but I wonder how I find the guys who are, because they do not seem to come out of the woodwork for me all that easily!
That being said, I totally agree, everyone's idea of "perfect" is different. My perfect male body is totally NOT "ripped" or whathaveyou.
Oooh, Kim, good timing!
I must say, I'm a but fazed by the idea of dating "the body perfect" because mine is so imperfect that I'm sure I'd feel like a blob in comparison. But it's amazing the qualities in others that we fall in love with. My last boyfriend had the most beautiful hands, and he loved the curve of my waist when I lay on my side.
When we look in the mirror, all we see is that which we hate, whereas when our significant other looks at us they can see the full picture, and tend to zone in on their favourite bits!
Once again, Kim hammers away right on the head on the nail. In a society that consistently tells us we are not good enough, a group hug is welcome.
I must say that I have know a guy with wildly unrealistic expectations of womens' bodies. He is a very unhappy person.
Kim, your comment about dating really hit home for me ... and I'm married! Not much solace for the single girl, but great for anyone who is dating, committed, or hitched. I picked my husband, in part, because I found him attractive and handsome and sexy. He wouldn't have picked me if he didn't feel the same way. I've got to remember that next time he tells me how hot I am and I try to dismiss it ...
I wish I could hug your friend, too. I've had similar conversations with dear friends and they make me want to tear my hair out. EVERYONE deserves love, and will find it given enough time and an open heart. A "perfect" body is NOT part of that equation. But if you're single and body conscious, it's such cold comfort.
what you fail to acknowledge is that if someone is feeling like she/he is too fat, too this, or too that, to be loved, it means she/he is not "comfortable in their own skin." nor do they possess any amount of "confidence" which translates into "just about the sexiest thing ever."
self image issues go much deeper than physical appearance. so the next time someone tells you they feel "too fat to be loved," please dispense with the pollyanna pep talk and group hug theory. because obviously your friend is dealing with bigger issues. so be a real friend and find out what's really going on. that kind of talk is not about being depressed over superficial attributes. clearly, she's hurting over something much deeper.
I live in LA, so for the girl who said "I'm too fat to be loved." I wonder if she lives here too. If you're NOT a size 6 or less, forget finding Prince Charming. Unless you don't mind taking the "rejects", ie; someone "your equal". For the unfamiliar, in LAspeak that translates to, "stick to your own kind and go mix with the dregs of society"
I'm not saying its right, I'm just saying it is.
And god bless Please Get a Clue for saying what you did! Your post was the most sensible and logical of the bunch :)
i think everyone needs to stop worrying about if they are fat or skinny and all that crap. guys like us for the way we make them feel and how we treat them not for how we look or who has the "model body". In this day and age-who cares about looks. and for ppl who think they r fat have u ever heard the bigger the body the bigger the heart. duh. so some guys like models big deal they only want 1 thing with those girls. sex. but if your bigger than some- i know more guys would be attracted to you rather than a model especially if you have a heart of gold. my point is that "be happy with who u are" and let eerything else work out on its own. Trust me with having 32 brothers i think i know what i'm saying, and they all agree! they say all the time confidence is sexy. so ladies let your confidence show!
I think that if you like the way you look you should find someone who loves you for you looks are not everything. And what is really considered "the perfect body"? The right person will like you no matter how you look.