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 In my talk with Her Royal Pasta Queen, Ms. Jennette Fulda, we briefly touched on the idea of the things you feel like you can do when you're fat versus what you can do when you're skinny. She talked about how, when she was fat, she would never have eaten a mini pound cake in the middle of a store and how she was never able to talk about what she eats and how much. For me, it was exercising in public, showing my arms, buying candy bars in one store more than once in a week--and so many things. There were so many things I just did not let myself do or think I could do. I would never have gotten on a bike, because just the idea of what people would think of my view from behind made me cringe with shame. I was so afraid all the time, and it occurs to me now that that is no way to live. After a lifetime of being scared to let myself live, I'm still terrified of doing far too many things, no matter what size I am, and that is still no way to live. But I am so enamored of my bike because that's something I wouldn't do for so long--I was not only afraid of looking stupid and large and ridiculous, I was also really afraid of killing myself. Driving into a tree, off a cliff, into the middle of traffic. When I rode my bike home from the shop--only about a mile, I'd say--I could not believe it had taken so long to get me to that point. I was angry at all the years I had wasted. Furious at myself, and so sad. What are you afraid of? What do you not let yourself do, because of your weight, your age, your gender, anything--what won't you let yourself do? And HEY. What's stopping you? 3 CommentsLeave a comment |
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I'm not much for resolutions, but in January '08, I declared this the year I get over my fear of looking like a dumb ass. I cannot begin to count or to name the things that I have not even frickin tried simply because I don't want to look like a dumb ass. Already this year, I have started playing tennis (badly), happily looked like a tourist while on vacation in Key West, started riding my bike to work (and arrived sweaty and disheveled), and have become a fairly regular jogger. Next up: roller blading. I'm gonna look like a total dork. Oh well!
Great post -- this was one of the things I loved most about the book. I think that one of the hardest things for me is giving myself permission to fail -- even fail multiple times if necessary. I have had too many things I was afraid to start because I wasn't sure I could do them well.
Ugh, the things I wouldn't do because of my weight wouldn't fit on this page. I spent so long hiding from everyone and everything because I felt ashamed of myself, and self-conscious, and like everyone was staring at me all the time. I developed terrible anxiety as a result, and had horrible panic attacks. When I think of all the things I missed out on, I get so angry at myself. But then I think THANK GOD I'm not overwhelmed with fear and anxiety anymore, and I can go out and do whatever I want now, and not regret it. And not CARE.