Even though I've been perusing these here Internets for a bazillion years, every now and then something reaches out of the monitor and slaps me across the face and I sit here saying "Durrrr" and also, bemoan the fate of the planet that could produce such stupid people. Ok, I'm being a jerk, but seriously, this Lipodissolve thing? Don't do it. Don't even think about it. It's scary. It's stupid. It's yet another magic bullet that seemingly magically erases the fat, except let's do some practical thinking for a minute.

You know how babies are enthralled when you play peekaboo with them? It's because they actually believe that you disappear when they can't see you. So when you suddenly reappear, that's some prime baby comedy right there. The baby is like, "Dude, would you look at this crazy chick? Just, like, appearing like that? That is seriously messed up and hysterical!" This is what the baby would say if it could talk. (Also, in my reality, it would not sound like Bruce Willis. You may all relax.) But we all know that it's ridiculous because of course we don't disappear. The world has, like, science and physics and stuff, and your gorgeous face has to occupy space somewhere.

So, this Lipodissolve thingy? Where does the fat go exactly?

It has to go somewhere! Do you assume that you pee it out or something? Because the fat in your ass isn't actually hooked into your digestive tract anywhere. Or maybe it just sort of filters downward and gives you extra padded feet? Or that it would just ooze out through your pores the next time you sat in a sauna, leaving a big Crisco slick for the locker room attendant? Or maybe you just go through the rest of your life with the fat from your butt just sloshing around in your body!

Aside from the questions of logistics, people have gotten major staph infections (a.k.a.: can kill you), tumors, open sores that wouldn't heal and also, one person used the word "disfigured." Doesn't that make you want to hand over your credit card and sign on the dotted line? Also, check it: not only is the crazy stuff totally not FDA approved for this use but the people who are trying to sell this poison actually posed as happy customers to give fake testimonials about how happy they were with the results. BIG FAT RED FLAG! Also, isn't it a rule of healthy living to watch what Britney Spears does and do the opposite?

I'm about to suggest something radical and I know that you might think I'm crazy, but what if we just kind of decided that our bodies were ok the way they are? Right this minute. What if we learned to not only tolerate but love that muffin top? What if we honestly couldn't imagine our thighs being two inches smaller? What if cellulite or loose skin or stretch marks (or D: All Of The Above) was just as much a part of you as your spleen or your ability to curl your tongue? What if you decided that our bodies are good enough for public display right this very second when you got to the end of this paragraph? Are you ready? Don't worry, I'm right here in this with you. It's going to be ok. Get set? Take a deep breath. Go.