I like pirates. I like that they are dirty, and fierce and vicious, strong and brave and free and they have got cool hats and also drink rum. The first tattoo I ever got was a pirate flag on the back of my neck; eventually, when I have got the money (and buff arms, if I am going to be honest), I am going to have a pirate sleeve, and when I grow up, oh, I should like to ride the seas, a roaring buccaneer, a cutlass banging at my knees, a dirk behind my ear.

I also like porn. Watching people have sex turns me on, and learning to not care that these women are impossible-looking and that I will never look like them and that is okay was one of the greatest triumphs of my adult life. It is not necessarily their bodies that makes sex in these movies sexy, it is the act of it, the moving and the sounds and the fact of sex. I like the fact of sex.

So, I look at porn on the Internet, I rent it occasionally, I own a few (one is about a lesbian vampire! It's so nice), I've gotten some for Christmas. I like my porn dirty, though with as little spitting as possible (why, oh why with the spitting?). I generally prefer as few fake breasts and as minimal a story as possible. I want nasty naked doing it, please, and keep your mouth shut and your blank, empty soulless eyes averted from the camera when you're sticking it in, thanks! Because you're distracting me, here.

But occasionally there is a porn with a story that is just so brilliant, you need to own it (see above, re: the vampire porn). And then sometimes there's a porn that not only has a brilliant story, but a brilliant story about pirates, and that makes all the spitting and the fake breasts and the empty, soulless eyes so totally worth it. It also makes the fifty dollar price tag worth it, and you might even find yourself just sitting and watching the thing for its story, and being tempted to fast forward through the naked parts because it is so gloriously, terribly awesome in all its terribleness. And when it involves pirates, that just makes it double extra triple bonus awesome with a dirty, dirty cherry on top, and you the happiest porn consumer in all the world.

Pirates is just that movie. Pirates is hilarious, brilliant, does not take itself seriously, has one of my new favorite actors of all time, the incredibly funny Evan Stone, has kind of an amazing special effects budget and is not even slightly erotic. That is its only downfall. It is pretty much a regular movie with some remarkably bad acting and a surprising amount of deep dicking. Quite frankly, more Hollywood films could use a little deep dicking. It would have made Atonement a much better movie. It might have even won that Oscar, I'm thinking. Pirates has not won an Oscar, but it has picked up handfuls and handfuls of adult film industry awards, which makes me think that it is going to be the new standard of the industry, which makes me worried.

Will all porn flicks have stories and budgets and be nine hours long, now? Will we be forced to decide which we want to fast-forward through, the acting or the fisting? Has Pirates ruined porn for all time, or is this the future of porn, and I am just a Neanderthal? I'm still excited about the sequel, though. Literally. Ha!

Do you like porn? Do you watch it? Do you want a story, with pirates in, or are you just looking for a lot of doing it?