Sarah sent me some of the new Fuze Slenderize Lip Gloss to check out, because she knows that I'm a Product Fiend and also, have a serious lip gloss fetish, not because she is giving me a not so subtle hint about the size of my ass (because chica? Hints are so not necessary). And I was excited. I actually like the taste of Fuze Slenderize beverages. They are surprisingly yum and the blueberry raspberry version somehow manages to have negligible calories while tasting a lot like a melted Slushee. In fact, even as a child, I detested the homogenized flavor that is called "fruit punch" because cherries, grapes, pineapples, those are all good but somewhere along the way, something yucky snuck into the mix, something I can only imagine is "ass fruit." But Fuse Slenderize fruit punch? Yeah, I'm down with it.

I glossed up my smackers and....ugh. The taste. THE TASTE! I understood that the gloss was infused with all of those supposed slenderizing components like Chromium and Super Citrimax (which sounds like a cable porn channel) but good God in heaven, did they have to make it taste like my lips are mortal enemies of my tongue? Granted, I've taken a test that has determined that I am a Supertaster, so supposedly I am much more sensitive than most people to certain flavors, but Fuse Slenderize in liquid form isn't this nasty, so I'm mystified.

Personally I'd much rather just pop a damn herbal supplement--hell, I'd rather lick asphalt--than walk around all day tasting this bitter shit all day long. And while the whole point of lip gloss is to make someone want to play tonsil hockey with you (did it suddenly just get very junior high in here, or is it just me?), this Fuze Slenderize Lip Gloss would cause me to run interference and perhaps throw my hands in front of my face shouting, "Sweet Jesus, it's too late for me, but save yourself. SAVE YOURSELF!"  So I guess I'm saying a no on the Fuse Slenderize lip gloss gimmick.