I am getting dangerously, thrillingly organized about this move that is consuming all my mental resources and not letting me think or breathe or talk about anything else, and aren't you guys so lucky? You're so lucky, and I'm such a mess! But an organized mess, and thank god for that, or I'd be very dead right now.

After spending the weekend panicking, per usual, and feeling on the edge of expiration any single second and like I wasn't getting anything done and oh my god, I am going to fail at moving and I have no time and everything is ruined! I spent the first half of yesterday breathing hard, because now it was Monday and that was even worse! But then I had some tuna fish and later, I had some tea (earl grey, splash of milk, delicious) and then I realized I had to get the nutcasery under control. UNDER CONTROL, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

I raided the supply closet, and pulled out a tiny little notepad, and on the first, fresh page, with a nice, fresh, medium ballpointed pen, as I am wont to do, I started brainstorming a list. I let it come naturally; I wrote out five or so things that had been on my mind, and then I was able to exhale. Those things were now pinned down, and being pinned down means that I can pull their wings off at my leisure, and that means I am the one in charge. Oh, I like to be in charge.

For the rest of the day, I kept the notepad next to my keyboard, and any time I thought oh my god I have to do that thing and that thing and oh my god I can't forget that thing aaaaah—I cut off the thought, picked up my pen, and wrote those things down. And there they were, indelible and lined up to be knocked down, just the way they should be. Who knew that writing a list could be very much on par with getting a back rub in a hot tub filled with marshmallow fluff? Well, I knew that. Somehow, I had just forgotten it. The way I've forgotten the ability to think about anything other than moving. Did I tell you I'm moving? I'm so totally moving in two weeks aaaaaaaaah.

You know what else was pretty cool? The way sometimes I thought of something I had to do, and instead of putting it on my list, realized I could take care of it right there and then. Oh my god, I have to talk to my new landlord about—hey, I am just going to call him right this second. Oh my god, I have to cancel stupid Netflix which I never use anyway I hate Netflix so much, stupid Netflix dot com, account, cancel my account, yes I want to cancel my goddamn account no I don't want to suspend it thank you so much oh hey, that was easy. Yay! Maybe I won't lose my mind entirely?

It is already abundantly clear that I've lost my mind entirely, as has been previously documented. But I should be able to keep it together. On the train, I took that comprehensive to-do list I've started, and I've begun a page for each day of this upcoming week, and I've divided my tasks up over the course of the week, in a hopefully rational and reasonable manner. And so all I have to do is turn to a day, think to myself, "Self, today these are the three tasks you have set yourself! Go to it, Self! For with the completion of these three tasks, you are three tasks closer to being able to die quietly." And so it will totally go.

I've promised myself ("Self, I promise…") that if I do not complete something on the day I expected to, that I will not go batshit insane. I will simply reassign that task and go on without exploding messily. I've also promised myself a pony and some chocolate and some Valium and some more chocolate and all the wine in the world and maybe a week off once all this nonsense is done. I am trying to live for the chocolate valium ponies, and for the possibility of someday, somehow, getting my brain back.