O Turkey Jerky! How I love thee! You are sort of salty and sort of sweet and so damned chewy and weird that I can gnaw on you through the whole day and never ever get sick of your strange leathery texture. Plus, you can hang out in my desk drawer for days, nay, months unopened and then I get starving during a conference call, pull you out and start going to town. Also, your name is entertaining as hell.

You're my emergency lunch stash and inevitably going to be my sole source of nutrition in the eventuality that the world gets overrun by zombies during business hours. With 11 grams of protein and only 60 calories per serving, I can even forgive you for containing all of the sodium in the entire universe. Jerky that is Turkey, you are my beloved and for you, I have composed a haiku.

Brown turkey jerky

gnaw my way to happiness

Jaw aching good time

Stay gold, T.J., stay gold. —Weetabix