While Esteban and I were watching our second round of A Christmas Carol on Christmas Day (the first was the 1938 version with Leo G. Carroll as Marley's ghost, the second was the 1984 version with the awesome George C. Scott as Scrooge, who is second only to Jean Luc Picard's Scrooge in my book), I groaned audibly as the first of the diet commercials assaulted me. On Christmas Day! They couldn't even restrain themselves from starting the typical January onslaught early, they had to remind us how fat we are before some of the calories have even hit our lips? Come on, Kellogg's, I love your cereal to bits, but showing a woman having her ass mistaken for Santa by her own child on fucking Christmas Day? God bless us, every one!
In this particular commercial, they urge you to drink a whopping 5 grams of protein via Special K water, but whatevs. Wow, I can see that being an awesome boon for folks who are struggling to get enough protein (i.e. people who have recently had weight-loss surgery) but for the rest of us, we no longer have to even eat food at all! A replacement for a very small portion of protein, for only 30 calories and it tastes like Jell-O. Meh. This just heralds the beginning of a miasma of really bad dieting advice.
From my humble career as a dieter (granted, my résumé is far from successful, relying mostly on disordered or obsessive eating behaviors that resulted in my physique as it is today), I have found that the following just doesn't fucking work:
- Drinking just two "shakes" a day. Mister, I have seen
milkshakes. Milkshakes involve sugar and ice cream and real
strawberries and usually come with a cheeseburger and fries. You, Sir,
are no milkshake! You will bring exactly 0 boys to the yard. Are we
clear on this matter? Also, am I supposed to drink the can of chemical
slurry for 2/3's of my meals for ever and ever, the end? I do not want
to live that way. No. Can't do it.
- Pre-portioned meals doled out by some authority figure.
Okay, it works for Valerie Bertinelli and Kirstie Alley and who knows,
Latifah may rock the plan out of the park, but can I deal with Jenny
handing me some creepy frozen entrée for the rest of my life? What if I
want to eat a Greek salad from my favorite little bistro in town? What
if I want to eat some sage-infused gnocchi? What if I want to actually
cook for myself? Why would I put myself in a culinary prison because I
want to lose weight?
- Making an entire food group forbidden. I don't care what
it is: bread, pasta, chocolate, sugar, wine, fruit, whatever. I can't
do it. There is no way that I can sustain my quality of life if you
tell me that I will blow my weight loss if I eat a fucking fresh
strawberry. I call bullshit on this. Also, I know a lot of thin people
who maintain their weight and they don't draw big NO slashes through
things like cake or ice cream. There has to be balance, right? Are you
with me? Anyone? Can I get a witness?
- Limiting to under 1,000 calories a day, no matter how much you weigh. According
to Weight Watcher's little rule of thumb, a person who is 120 pounds
needs roughly half the calories as a person who weighs 240 pounds, and
yet, so many diets are one size fits all. I cannot lug my ass around on
less than 2,000 calories a day, no matter how full I get on celery. I
turn into a big fat cranky space cadet. Also, I've done sub-1000
calorie daily intakes before: it was called anorexia.
- Same shit, different day. Cabbage soup, lemonade, the
stupid shakes. Sorry, guys, humans are like raccoons. We like variety.
There's no amount of willpower in the world that can withstand weeks
without end of the same old meals over and over, knowing that if you
stray and eat a damned Pop Tart, then you're failing the diet plan and
also yourself.
- Valley of the Dolls, Part Deux. The commercials tell me
that I need to start taking a million pills and then just lay back, eat
Cheetos and watch my gut disappear. Um, what the fuck? What do they
honestly think they are missing in their diets that something off the
shelf at Walgreens will fix?
- And more...
Throughout the upcoming diet-frenzied month of January, let's highlight anti-diet tips of common sense on Elastic Waist, so that we can
continue to be your refuge from an insane, weight-conscious world. But I
need your help. You guys have been there, done that. What's missing on
this list? —Weetabix
The comments are aching to be schooled in What Not To Diet.
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FEED ME
Disordered exercise. We see shows like "The Biggest Loser" and their huge, dehydration-fueled loss numbers without stopping to think that maybe going to the gym for several hours a day for the rest of our lives is not so practical (or even possible). However, the ads for stuff like the Bowflex with their "20 minutes, three times a week and you will look all buff" thing are bullshit too. There needs to be a focus on what things you can do that both enrich your life in some fashion (like yoga, or walking in a pretty setting) and also provide the benefits of exercise to your body...without forcing you into an unrealistic schedule that is oh-so-easy to disrupt (any social function whatsoever will do the trick).
AMEN to all of the above! Eat 500 calories and work out 4 hours a day? Sure, you'll lose weight...as your dead body decomposes!
Oh my god, Going Loopy, hells yes. Excellent tip!
Shows like "The Biggest Loser" frustrate the shit out of me. It's completely unrealistic. I mean, if I was living in some spa setting with a personal trainer barking at me for four - six hours a day, of course I would lose weight. Then they lose upwards of ten pounds a week, and it makes people at home doing the real work discouraged because they're only losing the NORMAL one to two pounds per week. (Of course, I am a hypocrite because I have had WLS, but I have had a life-long battle with food and my weight, so I'm adding my two cents.)
Very funny Weet, thanx :)
My 2p...: Just adding 3 exclamation points does not a great product/solution make.
Lose Weight Eating More Food Than Before!!! Double Your Fat Burning Ability Without Exercise!!! Actually Eat Your Way Slim!!!
What a load of old bollocks.. I use a lot of 'em whenever i write something as i'm an enthusiastic kinda guy, but as soon as i see those 2 or 3 screamers in a row I'm off! :)
Get Some!!!
You, Sir, are no milkshake! You will bring exactly 0 boys to the yard.
Hahahah love it.
My milkshake brings no boys to the yard. *sigh* LMAO.
Oh, good grief that Special K commercial pissed me off.
As for missing anything-- I'll tell you what doesn't work. Abuse. From strangers, acquaintances, friends, "loved ones", or yourself. Emotional beatdowns are not the answer. If they were, I'd be built like Celine Dion.
Amen sistas! Amen.
Two Words: Anorexia Nervous
Like people need to stop saying; "I wish I was anorexic." Um sure you do. You want to have osteopenia when you're a teenager/young adult and a heart attack. Oh, yeah and all the emotional problems and the 5-7 year recovery time. Well, you never really recover because you are always at risk for relapse. Take it from someone who knows; a diet can turn into an eating disorder even if you "could never eat that little." Yeah, I used to say that until I was hospitalized.