Beautiful Creatures: Kate Winslet is determined to not allow her 7-year-old daughter be affected by concerns about weight, so tries to praise her own curves and bulges whenever Mia is in earshot. Dear Ms. Winslet, if you get tired of talking to your hot reflection, feel free to stop by the Elastic Waist offices and we'll talk up your fine ass until Mia is rolling her eyes in boredom. Seriously.

Long Live Fatties: Studies now show that overweight people have a lower death rate than normal, underweight, or obese people. Now if our beauty ideals could just catch up with science.

Fat People Are Jolly: Ricky Gervais is hilarious and clever, yet credits being overweight with helping his career. Of course, from Fred Flintstone to Jack Black, everyone knows it's perfectly legal to be fat if you're funny and also a man.

Cheesy Meat Diet: If the Atkins Diet always sounded too good to be true (mmmm...unlimited butter), it's because they don't tell you about the damage you can do to blood vessels and your heart.Whoops, must have been an oversight.

My What What? Come on, has "vajayjay" only been in the common vernacular for less than two years? That's not possible, is it?

Sperm Boy Can't Do Math: We have no comment on Lily Allen's decision to shill for lingerie now that she's dropped weight, but come on, Perez, going from a UK size 14 to a UK size 8 does NOT mean that she's dropped "almost half her weight". Does he really think size 0 means that you weigh nothing?

Pass the Giblet Dressing: Rather not spend your turkey day listening to Aunt Shirl talking about her gout medication? There's nothing shameful about piking on the fam if you've got a better offer from your cool friends. If you don't have any cool friends, scam an invite to a better holiday dinner.