Weetabix : Anne, I'm freaking out about the holidays coming up
Anne : Gifting? Traveling? Putting our faces in pies?
Weetabix : My family is a collection of miserable conversation snipers and I wouldn't spend an average Tuesday with them if I had a choice, much less a National Holiday. Which, of course, fills me with guilt and makes me want to eat an entire turkey.
Anne : Sounds like exactly the way to give thanks that you're not them. My family is full of good intentions and lovingkindness, but there is something about spending a weekend with them and their lovingkindness that makes me want to cover myself in mashed potatoes and never emerge. So I know what you mean.
Weetabix : I would like to see you covered in mashed potatoes, actually. We need to do a photographic project on that! Readers covered in side dishes!
Anne : I think you should call dibs on corn on the cob!
Weetabix : BWAH!!! Sorry, I just snorted. You couldn't hear it but I felt the need to confess the snort.
Anne : Confession allievates and unburdens the soul!
Weetabix : I need my soul as unburdened as possible going into next week! I am filled with the dread and emotional eating.
Anne : I am angry, have been filled, as you say, with dread for weeks and weeks. I confess that tips like "count to ten before you put something in your mouth" always strike me as way too optimistic.
Weetabix : Plus, sometimes the guy doesn't want to wait that long.
Anne : Ha! And there goes your tip.
Weetabix : I cannot count when there is pumpkin pie on the agenda, sorry. Although I don't eat the crust, which always strikes me as a very fashion modelly tip, but really, I just want more room for orange filling.
Anne : Without the crust, the filling is nothing!
Weetabix : The filling is a fucking vegetable! I should be lauded as a hardcore health nut for eating it!
Anne : I saw advice over on Self that talked about not counting, but evaluating your level of hunger. Which can be useful, I imagine, when you're sitting in an office. But at a holiday dinner, when the agenda is food? No, I'm not hungry! I'm giving thanks, motherfuckers! I evaluate my hunger as "Yes, now please."

Weetabix : The evaluating hunger thing is a good tip, though, because when you're freaking out because your aunt just asked why you still haven't popped out a kid, it's automatic to just stuff a biscuit in your mouth so that you don't accidentally respond with "Stuff it, you fucking hag."
Anne : This thanksgiving, will you do me a favor and say exactly that? With a biscuit in your mouth? I will give you 20 dollars. Especially if you take video.
Weetabix : I think it will come out as "Muff eed, you thuckeg haad."
Anne : I want pie right now.
Weetabix : Damn, pie would be very good right now, actually.
Anne : I declare today Thanksgiving.
Weetabix : Practice Thanksgiving!
Anne : Let's count to ten and put our faces in pie.
Weetabix : I need a pie snorkel.