Wildfires Have Feelings Too: Marie Osmond was quick to blame her fainting spell on the L.A./San Diego wildfires, but really, it's because she hadn't been eating enough and had just spent a bunch of energy dancing. Protein, Marie, protein. Did they teach you that in Provo?

Or Make a Tootsie Roll Wreath: Before you fret about being left alone with your (or your kids') leftover Halloween candy, you can always set it out at the office and watch your office nemesis work herself into a tizzy about the extra calories. If you've got extra Reese's Peanut Butter Cups or banana Laffy Taffy, just send it directly to the Elastic Waist offices. That shit is crack.

So Very Tragic: Our own Weetabix often hesitates to tell people where she gets her some of clothes because she doesn't want them to check out Zaftique's site and think that she wants to dress like a bedazzled Stevie Nicks Wannabe, so this is especially hilarious.

Your Mom, Flashcard Edition: If you don't get enough nagging from the voice inside your head when ordering, now you can carry it around in your pocket. Because it's so tricky deciding between a green salad and deep-fried clams and must rely upon a cheat sheet to indicate which might not be the healthiest choice.

Accept Your Waist, Yo: The last politically correct prejudice is totally about to go down. You can smell it.

Alert the Elastic Waist Cheeseburger Squad: Latest victim of the Hollywood Curve Theft Ring is Catherine Zeta-Jones. Maybe her head is just getting bigger? Special Note to our Cheeseburger Operatives: please be on the ready to move at the sign of any further deterioration of Ms. Zeta-Jones's condition until further notice.