Dear Ashlee Simpson: Your bondage dress looks so tight that it's making our spleen hurt. Here's hoping you went home and put on a pair of Gap yoga pants or something.

Not That Kind of Hummer: Why is it that the littlest girls always drive the biggest trucks? If you've got a spare $70K lying around, you can bid on Fergie's custom SUV, which she's selling in an effort to go green. Hopefully, the buyer will also plant a few thousand trees to make up for their impending carbon debt to the planet.

The Silent Fashion Victims: Plus-sized women always kvetch about how hard it is to find decent clothes, but if you consider the world of big and tall men's clothing, you realize what a wealth of options plus-sized women really have (even if it's called something like Dress Barn Woman).

Wow: We just realized that this is the first time we've seen Mary-Kate Olsen actually smile since she was on Full House. She admits that she hates celebrity photographers and says "I would love to be able to swim in the ocean in Malibu. But that is asking for a bikini shot. That's inviting something that I don't want to happen. I don't need to be on a 'Who's Skinny, Who's Fat, Who's Looking Healthy, Who's Not Eating?' list.'' Oh Mary-Kate. We might actually be starting to feel sorry for you and your kooky bag-lady dressed self.

Can You Say Awkward? Mary-Kate probably wants to avoid Melissa Etheridge at parties. While Etheridge doesn't call out either Olsen specifically, she's publicly speaking out about super-skinny celebrities and advises us that they are actually thinner in person than they look on TMZ.

Photo credit: Splash