First of all, I need to be straight with you: you and I have issues. Now, it's nothing you've done, actually. No no no, it's all me. Or rather, my husband Esteban. You see, he has a thing for you. You just might have been his first stroke fantasy, you in those Vulcan ears in that Star Trek movie. And then when you would straddle Sam Malone on Cheers, you only exacerbated his delusions. Even still, he loves it when I get a cold and my voice gets all husky and deep and he never says it directly, but I also know that he loves the sound of your voice, has mentioned that there's something guttural and undeniably sexy about it. It doesn't take a genius to do 2+2, right Kirstie? Also, his first girlfriend ever? Bore a striking resemblance to you (sans Vulcan ears). And I had a bit of an inferiority complex about her for the first few years of our relationship, so I think some of my distance with you might be transferred from her. I think you can understand, right?

So let's talk about this Jenny Craig weight gain thing.

I can't stand the fact that the tabloids are jumping on this like rabid animals. I mean, this National Enquirer poll about whether you've actually lost weight or whether you've gained it back? It sickens me. I'm so sorry that you've become the new fat celebrity, the new Roseanne Barr, poster girl that equals "fat, rich and lazy." Because how dare a woman gain weight? How dare a diet fail, despite statistics that prove that weight loss from diets is almost always temporary and losing weight to keep it off? You'd have better odds at the roulette table in Vegas.

Here's the deal: even though the media acts as though the size of your thighs is crucial to the well-being of this country, it's not. No one is going to lose a wink of sleep if you are a size 10 or a size 12. I sometimes wonder if this negative publicity isn't encouraged by the very people who hired you to lose the weight in the first place. After all, if they paint you as a lazy loser who can't put down the chocolate, then you've failed Jenny Craig rather than the likelihood that Jenny Craig actually failed you.

So I feel for you, Kirstie. You were set up to be a weight piñata to be battered about by the press. No matter what happened, the diet industry comes out on top: either you lost weight and kept it off, giving them incredible publicity, or you gained the weight back and became a scapegoat. You know, back when Jenny Craig offered Monica Lewinsky $10K for every pound she lost, I thought she was crazy for turning it down, but as it turns out, she might not have been the dumb bitch that the media paints her to be either. Funny how things turn out, huh?

Anyway, for what it's worth, if given a chance, you probably still give my husband a boner. At any size.

Sincerely,

Weetabix