No, you're not imagining things. I'm crushing on Sarah Jessica Parker.

I know. I am as shocked as you undoubtedly are.

Here's the thing: Ms. Parker and I have had a not-so-friendly acquaintance for many years. I didn't like her in Square Pegs because...well, I have a fat girl bias and liked Amy Linker more. And SJP's acting ability has never been exactly stellar. The woman will never win an Oscar. And then there was the sex show, in which each of her costars went topless at least once (and in Kim Cattrall's case, several times a season). Yet would SJP show nipple? What, she's too good? She can't show off her girls? Seems a little snotty to me. Makes me not like her. Makes me stop writing in complete sentences.

Photo Credit:  Theo Wargo/Wire Image

Ok, so let's get down to it: jealousy. Not only did she get to chew on the lips of John Corbett (back when he was still hot) and a 13-year-old Weetabix's first sexual fantasy, Mikhail Baryshnikov (I can't believe I shared that fact on a blog, but damn, the man is undeniably gorgeous even now and I have no shame), but she also married FERRIS BUELLER! Right, so now Matthew Broderick has taken on that vaguely ishy quality, sort of like an aging math teacher whose shapeless, slightly rumpled clothes are always permeated with chalk dust. You get the feeling that maybe he's the type who calls his wife "Mommy," which... oh god, just no. But still, marrying Ferris Bueller, regardless of what the man has turned into? That's a trophy for our generation, people. You can't deny that shit.

But I did watch her show, mostly because the writing was witty, the scenarios were funny and mostly because it was one of the first shows that went there. Wherever "there" was, it was there. And the fashion was undeniably wonderful. And while I may insist that I'm a Charlotte through and through, in reality, if you have ever seen my closet or been shopping with me, you know I'm a lot closer to Carrie Fucking Bradshaw than I'll ever admit. 

And that's one thing I have to love about SJP. It wasn't Carrie's style coming out in Sarah, but the other way around. SJP is out there, doing her thing, and they just sucked it into the show. That's some vibrant fashion craft, and you have to admire it. And you know what else you have to admire? The girl looks a lot like a preying mantis, yet she is considered one of the most beautiful women around. That's an amazing feat. We could all spend a few hours (or years) being tutored at the Parker School of Chutzpah.

But the thing that put me over the edge with my girl crush? Her new fashion line. Her manifesto: "It is every woman's undeniable right to have a pulled together, stylish wardrobe with money left over to live" Normally, you would think the word every would have a qualifier. Every woman under size 8. Every woman who has a trust fund. Every woman who has no ass to speak of and is also shaped like a boy. No, I don't think so, because of this one thing: the new line is going up to size 22.

Size 22! Not size 12. Not even 14. Size 22! That's not just the barely plus-size girls like J.Hud, but also the thick girls like Queen Latifah. Hell, Lane Bryant tops out at size 28, and here's the queen of high fashion, little teensy Sarah Jessica Parker's line throwing out to size 22? What is more, there's no line of demarcation there. No below size 12 and then size 14 and above. We're all the same, just different sizes. I love that. I want more fashion philosophies like that. Why can't we have them? Why is there a tipping point in the sizing? Does anyone have an answer? Anyone? Do you grow another arm once you hit size 14 so that we need to have plus-sized clothes cordoned off behind the maternity and the clearance area?

The Old Testament predicted that "a little child shall lead them." SJP may be firmly ensconced in the Fashion Haves, but she may just lead the Fashion Have Nots out of the darkness and into the light. And for that I have seen the error of my ways.

Apparently, you're just a very nice, very lucky girl who gets to kiss a lot of cute boys. And I can't really hate you for that. So please forgive me, SJP, and I'll forgive you for sounding a little bit like a total shit. --Weetabix