Paris-Free Zone: Wow, drawing the line at sensationalizing Paris Hilton? Could this be a portent of the coming decline of Ms. Wonky Eye's fame? Nah.

We're Not Us Weekly: Looks like Paris managed to do some shopping while in the slammer. Hey, we don't fault a girl for needing an eyebrow pencil and maybe those blueberry muffins were the reason she's no longer as unhealthily thin.

Go Figure: Turns out coffee really is good for something...preventing a rare condition that most of us probably don't have, but whatever!

Oh Fucking Boo Hoo: Fast food joints in NYC are going to defy state rule to post nutritional information on the menus, stating that it's an eyesore. Because the inside of a Burger King is the modicum of a clean design aesthetic, of course.

Cry for Help: This sounds like an Onion headline, but apparently Amy Winehouse really did start carving shit into her stomach. Can someone get this girl some therapy?

Not Naked, Just Shopping: Britney Spears eats Special K cereal. You can exhale now.