Okay, so I was a little whiny and probably misrepresented things a little bit in this post. Upon re-reading, it sounded a lot like the spouse never cooks and as though I'm being chained to a chair and force-fed gravies and whole chunks of cold lard. He does cook; he made the garlic chicken described in the post while I added the salad for myself, because a dinner of just chicken breasts just doesn't seem balanced to me. But wow! You guys had such great suggestions that I thought I'd devote a post to answering them. 

Kristina's been through this shit with a boy before: "...we only ate pizza, Chinese, Mexican, and Turkish delivery. I went up to 256 pounds and he lost weight due to developing diabetes. I tried everything I could think of to get us to eat better but he would refuse to eat what I wanted to make. I'm not the best cook but I was sick of not being able to tie my shoes and watching him continue to kill himself with sugar. I eventually overcame my guilt and had to leave him. "

This is exactly what I want to avoid. In the 17 years that we've been together (yes, we're one of those annoying Marshall and Lily couples who have been together since freshman year in college), we've both gained weight. Part of this is a lack of activity but part of this is the root problem that Esteban just doesn't want to eat healthily and it's a lot easier (and yummier) to give in and eat the shitty food than go through the trouble and hassle of making healthy food that appeases the man as well. I'm not casting the blame on him. When it's his night to cook and he makes boy food like chili dogs, no one is forcing me to load up my plate.

There were more extreme suggestions to my dilemma. For instance, Penny and Elle (oddly both chose not to leave link backs to themselves) took a harder line. Elle suggested that Esteban to grow the fuck up, which honestly, isn't bad advice and he would probably agree that he's got issues in this arena. Penny suggests that he's an idiot and that I should dump him. Eh, I would, but I like his penis way too much.

Going Loopy wisely suggested: "For the meatless thing...get some veggie burgers and pile some cheese on them. Cheese makes all suspicious foods tasty."  This is so true and also, Going Loopy, have you met Esteban?

This totally does work, by the way. When I was thinking about becoming a vegetarian, I tested out the potential by making some Boca burgers. I fried them in a pan with butter and garlic and also made his favorite cheesy hashbrowns to go with them, and served the burgers on his favorite squishy white buns. (Ugh.) Healthy? Fuck no. But it sufficiently distracted him from realizing that he was eating a soy product and amazingly, I never revealed the ruse, partially because it wasn't necessarily a ruse. I never said, "Here, would you like a burger that is made from meat that used to be a cow?" No. I just said that I was making burgers. Burgers. Whatever, right? Okay, partial lie of omission, but I didn't want him to become suspicious of everything I cooked, sniffing it and poking everything as though it were potentially poisoned. At the time, I would not have put it past him to try feeding tidbits to the cat, as the ultimate "animal, vegetable or mineral" test. To this day, he refuses to believe that he happily ate fake meat because, in his logic, there's no way I could resist gloating about it and cackling.

Jaime, Lisa and Jen all suggested "Fend For Yourself" nights, which we have actually, and even call them that. Our cooking structure is pretty loose, but if I had to plot it on paper, I'd say that I cook two nights a week, he cooks two nights, we go out to eat or order take-out one night and the other two nights are "Fend for Yourself" night, but really, it probably works out to each of us cooking one night a week. I might cook something extravagant on the weekend just because I enjoy cooking when I have the time. We are either out of the house or traveling a couple of nights, and we go out to eat the rest of the time. For instance, last night? Totally a take out night, and since I ordered the food, it's my own fault that there was not a green salad or crunch vegetable in the mix. But you know, sometimes a girl's got to have some ribs, ok? Just ask Tyra.

Our Lunchbox Guru Sarah suggests Hollandaise sauce. Not a bad suggestion, as Esteban would drink Hollandaise for water if he could, but the problem isn't a need for vitamins and fiber (he actually does eat a fairly balanced diet, but only of very specific foods, and takes supplements like crazy). While Hollandaise is delicious, doesn't it sort of negate the health benefits of a veggie? Isn't it like essentially a sauce equivalent of deep-fat frying them?  And also, there's one other issue with this: me. I am freaked out by Hollandaise sauce. I have some weird issues with things made from raw eggs. I suspect there will come a day when real mayonnaise causes me to faint in sheer horror. I know. I know.

Wendy suggests trying some recipes out of the Moosewood Cookbook, which is a great suggestion. I grew up eating Mollie Katzen's recipes, and my mother actually knew her at one time, so my childhood food issues have probably prevented me from going there, but judging from Wendy's success with eating a lot more vegetables, it's time for me to get over some of my issues with "hippy food" as the 11-year-old Weetabix called it. It seems unreasonable, but you try living in the Midwest in the '80s and explaining to your friends how your peanut butter had to be stirred up and even then, it still looked more like spackling compound than their jar of Skippy.

Alli-lou thinks that getting him involved in the veggies will make him more interested in their selection, and I agree. Over the past few years, Esteban has gotten more interested in going to the farmer's market with me, and what used to be outright hostility when I'd purchase a veggie that he hated, now there's just a little reluctance and maybe a shrug. Does this mean that I'm wearing him down? Or that he's given up? It doesn't matter, the veggies still aren't getting down his gullet, but at least I get to enjoy them. I think I'm setting my sights on a new mission, Code Name: Farmer's Daughter. Buy lots of fruits and veggies in suggestive shapes and then reward him with sex when he eats them. Ha! Win-win situation? We will see. And when in doubt, fake it with some cheater Not!Meat products.

Working with what we know, Esteban hates onions and peppers, fennel, carroway seeds, broccoli, cauliflower, eggplant, and celery. He loves mushrooms, garlic and potatoes and will eat squash, tomatoes, green beans (if they are not crunchy), carrots, lentils, legumes, and tomatoes if they are not whole, raw or in big pieces (oh my God, I've turned into Esteban's soccer mom). 

Have some recipes that you love? Got a healthy version of a boy food? I'd love to hear about your ideas and recipes in the comments and will report on our experiences in future posts. --Weetabix