Heather Locklear Is Dorian Gray: This is what 47 looks like in a bikini. Somewhere, Denise Richards is drowning her sorrows in a pint of Häagen-Dazs.

Salty Goodness: Women may want Liz Hurley's curves but men are not above coveting. They want Brad's bod. Who doesn't? We don't want the pecs, though, we just want to drool on them.

Reversal of Fortune: Remember back when "skinny" was an insult and women wanted to be described as voluptuous? No, neither do we. Mischa Barton is totally lucky she wasn't born 90 years ago.

Soon We Will Outnumber Them: Does this mean that someday there will be more than two plus-size stores in the mall? And we won't have to spend our late nights picking off kitty appliques, thread by painful thread?

A Stumper: Would you invest in a company that had a 97% failure rate? Then why do women keep signing up for diet programs? Susie Orbach is taking that shit to court.

Photo Credit:  Lester Cohen/Wire Image