Barbie gets a lot of shit these days. Yeah, she's got enormous hooters and if she were life-size, she'd have an 11-inch neck. And we're not even going to question how she can possibly be expected to jump up and down doing aerobics when her feet are permanently curved to wear high heels. But we can't really blame Barbie for that stuff. That's just who she is, she can't help that.

However, the people who write her commercials? Check it: Barbie's figure hasn't changed in 50 years. No sags, no cellulite, nothing. She doesn't need to exercise, but the commercial insists that she does. And what is the reason that the commercial gives? She needs to look great. Not to feel good. Not to be strong. Not to be fast and healthy and able to run longer than Midge or Skipper or even Ken with his big steroidal thighs. Look in the mirrors, look at your body, Barbie--no pain, no gain. At the end of the day, phew, she stills look good.

No wonder she's addicted to shopping. Because it's either that or going home to her Dream Town House and having an empty sex life with an emasculated shell of a man. Really, what Barbie needs is a hug and maybe some comfy pants.