It's Monday. You're late for work. The coffee pots are empty. You just blew out the toe in your Parisian 5-denier silk stockings. Cheer up, pookie, and have some guilt-free medicinal chocolate.

We love chocolate too. No. We don't think you understand. We LOVE chocolate. We would eat it for breakfast, lunch, dinner and in-between snacks. We'd floss our teeth with it if the idea weren't a one-track ticket to a root canal. And if we weren't freaked out by the promise of a monster yeast infection, we'd probably pull an Augustus Gloop and take a bath in chocolate syrup at least once.

Maybe twice.

We've all heard about how many yummy antioxidants are floating around Godiva kiosks and how it's better for you than that poster child for wellness, green tea. And of course, it contains a small amount of caffeine, just enough to perk you up without making your teeth vibrate the way a double caramel macchiato does. What is more, just eating it makes you feel all cozy and lovely, as it shares some of the same mood-enhancing properties as anti-depressants, only you don't have a nasty co-pay. Your average size bar of Hershey's Special Dark contains the naturally occurring phenethylamine, which produces a nice minor confidence-instilling buzz, as well as theobromine, a stimulant to pep you up. It also contains tryptophan, the same chemical we hear so much about after Thanksgiving, that converts to serotonin in the brain, which makes you feel happy and maybe a little euphoric. In fact, some scientists suggest that chocolate serves the same function as a low dose aspirin, only we doubt that some crumbled up Bayer aspirin would taste nearly as good if baked inside cookies.

And recent information says that dark chocolate can lower blood pressure too. And tea? Doesn't do shit. Yeah, that's right, green tea. You got something to say? We didn't think so.

Do you have a bar of Ghirardelli yet? Oh, you need more convincing? Fine. The Kuna people in Panama have less than a 10 percent risk of stroke, heart failure, cancer or diabetes, four of the five most common fatal diseases in the United States. Are they drinking tea? Hell no. They're drinking up to 40 cups of cocoa a week.

Katherine Tallmadge agrees: "I recommend cocoa or an ounce per day of dark chocolate, which may be about 110 to 150 calories, depending on the chocolate. Any more than that and you're probably going to take in too many calories for weight control." And if you think that's just our Aunt Kathy with the sweet tooth, Ms. Tallmadge is the nutritionist for the American Dietetic Association. You can't argue with science!

Be aware that there is something of a chocolate shortage. Check out the investigative reporting by B.J. Novak on the Cadbury Egg shrinkage factor. Honestly, given the health implications of this news, we're a little surprised that people aren't rioting in the streets. We'll bet money that it's a conspiracy and the green tea people are behind it.