Salma Hayek has got the whole package...intelligence, wit, an amazing figure and more talent than five average people. I wouldn't be surprised if she could hot wire a car or MacGyver a daring escape from a locked room or be working on a line by line translation of Rumi's poetry into Icelandic or something. In fact, if she also had a secret identity and superpowers that she used to help fight crime, it wouldn't faze me in the least. Some women make the rest of us look like underachievers and Salma Hayek is one of them.

Like Batman, Salma Hayek had a traumatic childhood experience. She grew up believing that she was deformed.

I only wish I were making that up. Look.

Her only real deformity is the fact that she seemingly lacks any trace of imperfections. From knowing Salma the way I do (which I don't...she has yet to accept my offer to get together for lunchies), I don't think this is body dysmorphic disorder. She looked at the women considered beautiful in her culture at that time. She didn't match it. Therefore, she was sideshow material.

From this we could take an ugly duckling moral, but the swan never had to deal with constant assaults declaring he was still a fugged out quacker. Despite the fact that Salma's only sin is her seeming lack of any imperfections, haters are still looking for ways to take her down. For instance, recent rumors surfaced that she wasn't promoting her latest pic Lonely Hearts because the movie made her look fat.

I have to call some bullshit on this.

Isn't this the movie with the very portly James Gandolfini, who has yet to do a single publicity tour for anything? And I believe John Travolta has top billing, yet the only publicity he's done recently is for the abysmal Wild Hogs movie, a movie that coasts on physical humor and a single fart joke. Where's the speculation that Travolta is not promoting the movie because he's afraid of his man boobs?

So, the box office success of Lonely Hearts rests solely upon the shoulders of fourth-billed Salma Hayek and her supposed vanity?

I knew that she had superpowers.

--Weetabix